In the great words of someone in either 1A or 2A algebra on their functions writing assignment: the food in our school’s cafeteria is mid— lunch food specifically as I’ve never had the breakfast, but I assume it has similar aspects of terrible. And I got to say, after trying most of the things on our menu, I could make a tier list of recommendations, so maybe this list will help you have more luck than me on getting good food. 

After making the tier list, I came to the shocking conclusion that the portion sizes of our cafeteria food have not been altered or increased in any way since elementary school. I grew up on beef sliders and chicken fried steak. The two small beef sliders from elementary make their way to the big leagues via portions. As of now, we still have the two beef sliders. 

This was one of the first things I noticed while in the line. 

The second thing I noticed was the amount of people in line. You’ve got to get there early – “as soon as the bell rings early” – to even guarantee your wait time to be under five minutes. Lines can pile up to the other side of the whole cafeteria, so either need to get there fast or spend half of A block waiting for food that won’t be enough to satisfy your appetite.

Thirdly, the food: it can vary anything from the worst thing you’ve ever tasted to not that bad. Items like the nachos can be superior due to their many ways of customization and portion size. Also, the times I’ve had it were very decently pleasant. It’s like finding a counterfeit five dollar bill in a stack of other counterfeit five dollar bills, except the one you’re looking for has a cool gold star. 

There are some items I’ve had before that never made a reappearance. I call these the deceased items. The sandwiches are a good example of that. I never saw them again after the fall of ‘21; they’re just a simple part of my memory now. 

Items such as the steak with mashed potatoes, Korean BBQ chicken with brown rice, and chili with beans are brought down by the things they’re carried with. The brown rice is the driest thing I’ve ever tasted, and I’ve had two-week-old fried rice. The mashed potatoes are absolutely terrible, especially their terrifying texture. 

The chili with beans is a whole other story. I never tried it, because the smell told me everything I needed to know. 

Similarly with the tomato paste pasta – yeah, paste, because that’s what it looked like – sometimes is served with meatballs that make it much more tolerable. If I could put this lower than my hatred of chili, I would. When I see others eating it, it evokes a type of rage in me that I can’t describe in normal English. 

If I could put the “chicken” “tenders” lower, I would, because they are not tender in the slightest. Nor do they taste like chicken. In fact, they could very well be fish sticks and I would not be surprised. They come with a rock hard roll that is better for volleyball than eating, and I have never seen anyone ever eat those seriously. 

Finally, the pizza. The pizza is either the most gracious savior on our planet Earth or the worst thing ever made. There is absolutely no in-between and it’s up to how lucky you’re feeling to risk the final boss that is the pizza.

Overall, the food is very edible and I would rather eat it than starve, so there is some silver lining. However, there is still a very clear food hierarchy over everything and I will die on my hill covered in nachos.